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2:47 p.m. - 2020-05-13
beeping microwave
Sooo I'm testing out Instacart, because ordering online through the thing I usually use is total balogna now.

It's the same store though? And I'm pretty sure all the same people?? Maybe not though, maybe Instacart has it's own people and contracted drivers and shit....

While ordering online is free, and ordering delivery is... uh about $20 by the time i factor in the tip to the driver, it will be worth it if alllllll the things on my list actually get to my house in the next two hours, and theres no surprise substitutions. I'm not sure if I can future order it though? I dunno, we'll see if this 'test' order works out and then I'll go from there.

I'm finally dropping off mom's carrot cake and daal and rice tonight, that i had planned to get to her for mother's day but didn't end up even making the daal until yesterday. Or the day before.. what day is it now?

Anyway Im going to drop that off to her after she is done work at 530ish. But I wanted to get some groceries before that, and I'd really like to get something sorted so I don't have to go in to public every single day of the week.

Oooh the shopper already responded to my 'tysm i really appreciate this service' message, so there's hope.

and i just got a text update? What? Why is this system to incredibly on top of contacting people when the other system is like "fuck you, you get whatever we feel like sticking in your order and youll pay for it and like it because theres no refunds lul"

I wish i could hold things in my head that i want to talk about here but im incapable of doing that for very long at all.

I cleaned the tub. First time I've actually cleaned it since we moved here. Before I just sprayed it down with cleaner and rinsed it off 12 hours later because I didn't have a body that could kneel down and lean over and scrub. I've intended to get some kind of a tool to help me clean it but I never ended up getting one until last week. Because SHAME, just incredible levels of leftover shame from not being able to do simple cleaning stuff until it's too hard to get done on my own.

So yeah I cleaned the tub before 9am this morning. Amazing how a single reach tool with a scrubby thing on the end can change a life like that.
Also i got like industrial strength scrubbing bubbles cleaner shit that I sprayed all over and let sit there for 5 min before i got to scrubbing

So now when i go in the bathroom to pee, I'm not feeling this wave of shame and self loathing about how scummy the tub is.

And I'm trying to tell myself the same thing about allllllll the bits that I feel shamed about. That I'll get the right tool to help or ask the right person for help and IT WILL BE FINE totally fine, and it's totally normal to have this shit pile up when you are chronically ill.

Even if you never get a diagnosis, even if you are just left with a, "Well it might be fibromyalgia? or CFS? But test results are inconclusive, because we don't actually have a test for those actually. And the tests we do have show weird conflicting results and we actually don't know what is going on inside your body other then we can see that you are in terrible amounts of pain, that is actually showing up loud and clear on the tests we do have."

So I go on to the instacart thing, and I order a bunch of sundae making stuff, because the kiddos have been asking for ice cream and ive been craving ice cream too which is weird, also I have a pint of strawberries i need to do something with before they rot away like the last bunch so im going to clean and slice them and add them to the ice cream sundaes hehe

And now I'm going to reheat a coffee and watch my shopper run through my order and we'll see. and maybe we wont have ice cream at all maybe i will get something entirely dfifferent.

These days, who knows really?



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