7:20 p.m. - 2020-05-17
just scream and scream and scream until it stops hurting
Papa came over today, he texted me, saying he wanted to get the kiddos some pop and chips and drop it off. (Ex's dad, not my dad) So he showed up two hours later than he said he would be here and clearly didn't know about the 6ft thing...
So we had an awkward conversation in the doorway, with me literally standing between him and youngest, asking him to step back every three minutes because he kept coming forward again... ... blergh.
He talked about how wild the grocery store was (um, how have you been getting groceries all of this time papa?) and how he forgot the hot dogs so he was going to go back for them and then come back to my place again to drop them off.
So two hours later he swung around again, and we did the same thing over again, him forgetting about the six feet and me vowing to myself to not let this happen again.
The thing is, he's risking himself most of all, he's over 70 and has diabetes that he doesnt take care of worth a shit. So whatever. I'll see ya Papa in another 10 weeks maybe.
Upstairs neighbour texted me this morning about their decision about the recent decrees.. They've decided to double bubble with her sister, and her sister's whole family (inlaws included), so now my boys have to wear masks when they go upstairs for a visit.... which, ouch, okay, thats just fucking great after all your talk of us being ~like family~ and shit. I tried to explain it to the boys as harmless as possible,
I explained the masks and how to wear one to youngest, and he immediately got tears in his eyes and said he didn't want to visit the neighbours today after asking to visit them earlier, so I think he got the message even though I was trying to hide it from him.
Yeah we are family when it's convenient for you? That's really nice for you. Oh, it's not convenient anymore? Okay, we will just slide back and let the other people in and pretend we were never here. Story of my fucking life.
Just once I'd like myself and my kiddos to be the thing that is sacrificed FOR. instead of just sacrificed.
So that's where we are at today. Youngest has decided it's too dangerous for us to visit upstairs, and he's going to just hang out in the apartment basically alone while I'm at work. Eldest will be around, but he's not exactly warm and fuzzy to his younger brother, he gets annoyed super easy and has moody spells.
And I was going to start Eldest's hormone therapy in the next couple weeks, but the boat is rocking violently in the waves again and I'm not sure if I can do that to Youngest.
Ugh, I'm just disappointed, because we were okay, we were getting used to this routine. And now I;'m back to not knowing if Youngest is gonna be okay alone while I'm at work..
Guuuh.
And maybe if I didnt work as a delivery driver at a pharmacy maybe this wouldnt even be a thing. Maybe it's all my fault again. I don't know.
It just.. it feels miserable and comfortable and I hate that this hurt is so familiar.
A part of me wants to scream until i lose my voice entirely
