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12:49 p.m. - 2020-07-31
thats what the kids these days call it right, sure they do
heeeya. it's been a month and Im pretty much back to normal, minus the horrible feeling i used to get after eating i had dubbed 'gutrot' and assumed it was from 100 different things, turns out it was my inflamed gallbladder, because that pain is gone, totally.

And it's wild. to eat! and feel okay! good even! I can tell when Im hungry, I can tell when I'm satisfied, I can tell when Im full, I can tell when im overfull, and NONE of those give me the pain I was used to having several times a day.

Like holy shit I was really sick and working and everything and wondering why I was so tired and miserable all the time

So in this new age of... less and less physical agony, I'm stretching and trying to move more, walk more, take deep breaths more. Sit in the agonyless moments after eating a meal and wonder if things like hiking and biking and swimming are back on the table again

things I had completely given up on because of the level of pain I was experiencing every day

I mean not this summer (it's been 30+ almost every damn day wtf) but like, I have hope for future me to be able to enjoy those activities again. Not at all for weightloss because I'm done with that whole scene. If I want to move my body I will, but there has to be an activity and sense of accomplishment attached without any kind of weighing or measuring. I get too obsessed with the numbers and lose sight of what I was aiming for to begin with, which before was to be strong enough to carry both kids if I had to, and now, I have no idea what the goal is now.

So no more goals, that simplifies things. I'm gonna move if I want and nap if Im tired and eat if I'm hungry. You know, all those good intuitive balance things that get thrown out of wack every three or four days.

I feel pretty good even though Ive worked every day this week, and my day off next will be spent at moms house making hand pies, teaching the boys how to make hand pies and learning myself. Trying to instill in my mom that she doesn't have to do this stuff alone, we've offically hit stage 3 or whatever it's called. Everything is allowed to open and we can gather, preferably out of doors, but mom and the kiddos and I have been isolating this whole time so we're okay with doing this thing inside and together.

And work has slowed right down, i worked three hours and made three deliveries last night. It was silly of me to even be there when there was another driver working anyway but they couldnt make a decision whether i could leave or not so i stayed.

Im hoping this slowness will continue over the weekend, but tomorrow is the first of the month so it might not.

whoooo knows. everything is topsy turvy all the time now

i got my period again, and im so glad i didnt have to deal with this at the same time as my surgery recovery, that would have been an added layer of complication. bleh, stupid reproductive system i have no use for.

kids are going to do the dishes while im at work tonight, so i can lay down and wait for the painkillers to do their thing and kill these cramps

my spotify release playlist is wicked this week, so many new songs from so many different bands. reminds me that i should check this playlist more often, and just for the record, i know im basic but im billie eilish basic, not taylor swift basic, ha



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