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11:30 p.m. - 2020-09-08
Same same saaaame, things are the saaaame. which im not complaining about, kiddos go back to school next week. it's a royal mess, and im trying to prepare like i usually do but the timing is all off and suddenly its september and i havent even checked their backpacks, or looked into getting lunch bags, or naything

i remember last year's prep for school vividly, because it was the first one in a few years that we didnt have to go begging for school supplies from the various charity organizations

and i mean, technically we still qualify for that stuff, but it's so generic and I still have approx 120 pencils that we havent used because every backpack got a full box of dollar store pencils that shatter when you try to sharpen them...

thats the problem, it's not the rich folks donating things to the charities, it's the barely out of poverty folks, the ones still feeling that phantom stress of back to school even though their kids are getting by okay now or are old enough they don't need coloured pencils or whatever, then they take the $10 they have and spread it super thin to try and help out the next ones down the rung

I dont mean to knock these people, they are the heart and soul of communities and Im very greatful for their kindness and free clothes when i had nothing left to wear

but it s just, what the fuck do all the rich people do with all their money honestly. fuckers could fund any of the foodbanks in town, and 3/4s of the food banks are run out of churches, relying on their own poverty stricken congregations to supply the food stuffs..

ugh. i have so many plans for whenever i win the lottery, and it's going to stimulate the economy of the entire 100 km radius out from me in every cardinal direction

I just need to remember to buy a lotto ticket every now and then, loool

my sleep is all wacky, because my neighbour lost her shit on me and youngest so i was up checking windows and doors for three nights straight instead of sleeping, because I could hear her stomping around upstairs. it took four full days for her to apologize to us... a text message and a hand written card for youngest, that i definitely asked her to leave in the mailbox for us, and then i said nothing to youngest before i read it myself, just to make sure it was actually an apology and not just blaming him (a neato trick my ex likes to pull when he's had a bout of horrible temper)

But it was an apology, and it was signed 'your friend' so youngest asked if he could pin it to his corkboard, since it's one of two actual letter type things he's ever received, and i said sure, because it will be a good reminder to see that on his board every time i go in to his room

now i dont know whether to ttell her that im going to be treating her as a hand grenade that hasn't gone off or to not tell her and just let it be with stilted conversation and a perfectly calm poker face. and professionally polite texting, with no emojis

im still hurt and mad at her, for blowing up this little bit of calm and serenity that i could count on, now im back to the start again, being hyper aware and on edge for who knows how long.. until the next time she blows up at us i imagine...

Im annoyed about it, i was starting to think of this as Home, as somewhere i could maybe possibly stay? And I was thinking about paint colours even, and thats never happened before anywhere else I rented..

Also annoyed about how she can 'get away' with not having to say sorry in person, but that was me though, since i said leave the card in the mailbox rather than taking the option of receiving it from her in person.
Guess I will see how the next few weeks goes, because the kids starting back to school wasn't stressful enough, we've gotta throw this in on top, blergh/.

Dad's getting better, he's almost for sure going to retire in Jan 2021, and he built a shed for his motorcycle and has plans to finish off the side deck thing, which has been a project since I was a teenager. He's also calmed down on the existential crises of retiring, so here;'s hoping he's not engaged by christmas

oh and i binged all of Anne with an E, and as someone who read the books when i was little, it was lovely, they cast it fricking perfectly, and the way they told Anne's story has it echoing in my head, which is nice, I actually remembered some of the emotions of reading the books, and it was like seeing an old friend again and having them recognize me and sit down beside me and ask 100s of questions about my life now
Im not certain I want it to continue, just because it stopped at such a perfect spot, im thinking it would feel like an epilogue, but that might be because ive so recently watched it, and my brain kind of goes "And they lived happily ever after, and nothing horrible ever happened to them for the rest of their days, and it was perfect, the end"

I can feel my bedtime meds kicking in now, so im going to crash into bed and hope for sleep to find me, seems to be quiet upstairs now that she's apologized.. so hopefully it stays that way until morning



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