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9:19 a.m. - 2020-09-14
We made it to the first day of school, I hurt eldest by getting short with his expressions of anxiety but for fucks sake sometimes I wish he would realize there is more people that live in this hobbit hole then just him

He was horrified that I was making hashbrowns, telling me we dont have time for hashbrowns. As if I hadnt thought of that, which I had, I'd thought of the 10min for warming up the oven, 10 min for cooking them, 5 min for flipping and cooling, etc. and I didn't get short with him until the flipping part, and then at the end of it all he said he wasnt hungry which Im not sure if he wasnt because his anxiety tummy or if it was because I said DUDE would you please take a deep breath! There is time!! It came out more annoyed then I intended, because both boys froze and Youngest went into helpful mode while Eldest totally shut down and retreated inside himself

I hate the guilt wave that washes over me when this happens, because I know I've triggered unconscious memories from the life we lived with their dad, but still, I cant coddle you. You are 14 yrs old, people are not going to do things the way you believe they should be done, especially whehn you are feeling anxious.. I know this is a super shitty way to start high school and I was just trying to give you a hashbrown break fast. I skipped eggs becayuse I was pretty sure your whole head would explode if I pulled out another pan

You know, I just want mornings to be the exact opposite of what they have been for us since I was working full time and dropped one kid at school and one at the baby sitters and then drove their dad to work AND THEN drove myself to work. I got a tension headache just remembering that time in my life, fuck, no wonder I developed a "fibro-like illness"

Oh and all those emails and phone calls from Youngest's school didn't mean shit, because they either forgot to mention a key detail or changed it this morning, instead of lining up at the door they mentioned 100 times, kids are supposed to line up in the school yard, in designated areas for each classroom and check in with one of the teachers monitoring the gates to the school yard

so great start to the day, having a dude run out the door and signal us and yell from 6 feet away NOT HERE, THERE !!!!! LINE UP OVER THERE !!!! and scaring the shit out of me and youngest

I had plans to clean the bathroom and do dishes, and now Im like whatever man, i dont even care, everything is fucking garbage and I have absolutely no idea if I made the right choice sending the boys back to school

one consolation is that youngest's teacher for this year is a guy and seems to be really down to earth and nice and friendly, and sociable, so here's hoping youngest likes him as much as he liked his last year's teacher

and god I hope that eldest can take 4 periods of grade nine drama every day for an entire week, i hope he makes a friend, at least, in that class, and that the teacher isn't batshit like the drama teacher I had

k back to bed, im going to nap and then get up later and tackle some chores like a grown ass adult



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