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1:29 p.m. - 2020-11-10
I had something to make an entry about but then i looked at three posts on tumblr and it's gone from my head entirely

oh wait it's back again okay

sheesh brain try to keep it together

I threw away the last two cans in my cupboard from the horrible foodbank times. Two cans of salmon, that sat in my cupboard for four and a half years, and were six months expired as of this month. I don't mind salmon, a salmon sandwich is similar to a tuna sandwich and I'll eat either, but the bones though. Opening a can and the bones are there and you're just supposed to mush them in to the meat?

Logically I knew it was fine and therefore i kept the cans, but obviously i couldnt actually get past that in order to use them up before they expired. They continued to be a Future Beth problem, not a Present Beth problem.

until i tossed them and noticed that my cupboards only have things I've actually bought in them, other then the mixes from Epicure from my mom, but most of those are going to be made into soups this winter. Or maybe the actual thing they are designed for, if it ever gets reliably cold enough to beable to plan on using the oven on a regular basis

theres a fucking humidex today. 20 degrees, feels like 25. Its NOVEMBER, this is awful. And everyone is loafing around everywhere without any masks so much so that I actually had a nightmare about being somewhere without a masks, but it wasnt really a nightmare only because in the dream the pandemic was over and I was just being super anxious and scared for no reason, so it felt like a nightmare but technically wasnt one

I should put on real clothes and figure out what groceries i can buy with $100 that will satisfy my boys lunch and supper needs for this week, without filling up the fridge/freezer too much... because i get paid friday and Im trying to get to the place where I can have a meal plan, so Im using up all the random stuff in the kitchen so I can have room for a proper pantry, which will in turn leave me with a place for everything in the cupboard and will make groceries easier because I can just open the cupboard and see what is missing or getting low and then go from there

Absolutely none of this is dishes or laundry or my to do things. I just want all the food in my place in one location, cupboards beside the fridge, not spread out all over the kitchen wherever it will fit because ive got too much cans/mixes/pasta/rice from the foodbank days.

I want to make meals, like the goodfood or chef's plate, but I want to be able to do it from my own cupboards. $70 a week should be enough to make three meals, more than enough, and Ive got enough of the recipes saved from those delivery services to do it.


I know you arent supposed to self diagnose, but since dorian is adhd (and will be official whenever i find the paper to give to my doctor who's gonna give it to someone else?? i forget, last january was a decade ago) Ive been reading up on adhd and following different people that post stuff about it, and uhhhh, it looks like undiagnosed adhd in small girls can turn into severe depression and anxiety and people pleasing and conflict aversion and and and basically a list of my entire self and all my flaws and quirks and weirdness

a lot of it is about figuring out ways to work with your brain instead of trying to force it to do what you need to do at any given time, because forcing doesnt work, forcing causes your brain to derail you every single moment until you are reorganizing your kitchen cupboards at 330am

so im going to let the dishes and laundry go, and the to do list too, and go figure out what groceries will hold us over for supper today and lunches tomorrow and then tomorrow I will figure out the rest

and if i have to go to the grocery store twice it'll be fine. I might even be able to think all of this through tonight at work and tomorrow I will put on a podcast and do some dishes and it will all be fine.

I think the reason my brain is a big ball of static today is because Ex's dad is coming over tomorrow evening, to hang out with the boys for the first time since the pandemic started. So I know I need to get the dishes done before that, and it's just this deadline looming that is suddenly tomorrow evening. And I loathe panic cleaning but I know that's exactly what's going to happen

its just what happens to my brain whenever anyone comes over. Anyone except my mom. She's the only one that can swing by and I don't spiral about the cleanliness of my apartment.

okay i need to find some clean shorts to wear, because it's stupidly hot for november and i have to go get some frozen pizzas and some bagels and some crackers and snacks. And then pick the boys up froms chool, and then get ready for work, and then work until 8 or 9 and then try to spend some time with the boys, maybe watching another episode of teen wolf if they are still interested




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