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1:29 p.m. - 2021-01-19
These days are busy. So many things falling apart and moving around and hurting all around me, but I'm okay.

Dad had to put down his dog last week, and he keeps telling me we need to talk. So I dunno if I've fucked something else up or of he just wants to push at the trauma-I-dont-want-to-discuss-with-him some more. Because hes decided I'm traumatized and he doesnt know where or when, and just sort of left it at that last time.

And I dont want to talk about it with anyone who was an adult in charge of keeping me safe at that time, so not my mom or my dad. It was just a shitty thing that happened to a kid who barely had a handle on this physical body and the resulting dissociation has only recently been acknowledged and I'm starting to work through it.

I dont know if he thinks I'm not doing any work because I'm not actively working with him ? I guess he only sees what he wants to see.

Guess I'll talk to him after he retires, but we are on lockdown technically until after my birthday in feb

So I'll try and text him this week to ask when his retire date is.. hopefully I dont miss it.

Mom has moved to another town, 20 minutes away. It's not a big deal but it's the first time we've been in different towns since my kiddos were born and I know it's a garbage scenario for her mental health. So we've been visiting. Short visits, nothing like the days we spent pre-covid.

Upstairs neighbour was just scream-crying at her husband. Loud enough I could make out a few sentences. Shes not doing well. And he may have been laid off during this lock down.

J's friend stayed for 9 days. Then their mom was sick enough to go to the hospital, and needed them to come home immediately on Sunday. I dunno if they will be back or not. Lockdown and whatnot. Pr maybe Bee's mom decided she really couldn't have them away for so long. I dunno. We still have some of the food their mom sent. I'm going to finish throwing away the expired stuff this week, garbage day is friday.

Work is as wild as ever. Covid cases keep rising but people dont want to pay by credit card, so I get to handle the debit machine or cash, at the door, face to face with people that dont want to bother putting on a mask 'for just the delivery guy', like I'm not a human that deserves it?

And even at work itself, despite the chance of me getting covid being exponentially higher now, I still have to remind everyone to keep their masks on before and after their shifts, and that I dont accept cash or debit from places where there is a declared outbreak.

C gets turned around every single day by constant bullshit. It's incredible in scope and depth. The amount of fuckery he has to go through on a daily basis... it's just breathtaking. And it's not even just regular people, its hotlines for VA stuff and more that SHOULD be employing empathetic considerate people...

I want to help in a more concrete way, but its tricky with at home schooling, so maybe after next week .. I dunno. I should wait until he asks or I find something on amazon to send him.

I'm gonna google how to use a waffle maker, we got a hand me down one, and I'm going to attempt to make waffles for dinner.

I often wonder what being actually locked down would be like. If I wasnt an essential worker.

Dad took a crack at my 'hobbit hole' during our talk on christmas, but I see it as a safe place for both my kids to be, and a place where i can be with my chronic pain and its okay to just be, lie down when I need to, wear whatever feels comfortable (aka no fkn bra) and shower when I need to, etc.

I dont feel like that's a bad thing. Guess I'll have to remind dad of the 'roots and wings' talk he harped on during my teenage hood. And how this is my way of giving my kids roots as best I can.

Bleh, hopefully the conversation with dad goes better than christmas did. Whenever it ends up happening



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