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8:21 a.m. - 2021-01-21
Until further notice
So Dad doesnt remember anything he said at Christmas. And now we are going to rehash it all, slowly, over many conversations where I'm supposed to speak up and tell him how I really feel and divulge 'my trauma' so we can work through it

Like holy fuck dude, no wonder no one wants to be close to you, you cant demand that the work be done like you are a therapist. Especially when he is so incredibly angry and sad and unmoored in his own life that he rants at me for 2 hours, and doesn't remember any of it.

Ugh. So I ranted to C about it for a while. He offered some very good points that I can make, boiling down to basically I dont owe you a trauma recovery session, we dont have to do this in order to be on the same page.
Like, my dad started off the conversation by going back to his childhood, like holy fuck I cant do anything about that, and telling me about it over and over again yeah bud that sucks I dont know what you want me to do except NOT feel comfortable opening up to you about any of my own bullshit because you.obviously have enough you are trying to deal with !

And yeah I have no traditions and no expectations around holidays because I have been so incredibly disappointed with the adults in my life trying to push their traditions on me and then spent 12 years with someone who didnt give a shit about any of it, so I had to do it all myself and it was beyond exhausting.

And I dont want to blame Patrick, it's just the situation I was in. And I got out of it, and started trying to figure out what I wanted.

It's a long process, pulling apart everything to determine where it came from, and whether I want it around still.

Also, this year is FUCKED. I'm so so glad (rolls eyes so hard they fall into my skull) that we are having this incredibly hard conversation during a time we are supposed to be locked down.

Like what the fuck. I've seen more of my parents in the last two weeks then I saw in all of December. Fuxking. What.

And I dont say no, because I cant say no! They are both coming over because of their terrible mental health state and I just have to make sure they dont end up here at he same time, and I'm back to being fucking 5 years old comforting each of my parents individually.

Anyway, I'm supposed to 'take some time' to think about my dad's conversation and let him know what I want for my birthday. Which is feb 9th. We will still be locked down. I mean. Uuuugh.

Also, I need to tell dad to decide whether I'm supposed to be a needy child or his sounding board for all his traumas.

Because I'm a people pleaser, and I have no fuxking idea what dad wants from me other than cards. So many cards, Christmas cards and birthday cards and it doesbt matter if we take a week to hang out together camping. If I dont get the kids to scribble something on paper to give him I havent done enough to acknowledge him. Like, I just, what? Why?

Almost all cards are sent out of obligation, it's one if the biggest thing in Patrick's family and it doesn't mean a goddamn thing. He would write very nice things in the card, and then scream at me the same day about I dont know how I cooked the vegetables or cleaned the toilet.

And I forget that to Dad, cards are EVERYTHING. And apparently I'm going to be paying for every single time I've fucked that up for the rest of his life.

I guess because I'm the last one left, we are going to do this, this super close examination of fucking everything, that rips open old scars and makes me stare at the old insecurities and hurts, with my dad watching like a hawk and picking one that is My Trauma, that he can dissect.

I should probably find a therapist sooner rather then waiting until I'm in crisis.

In other news, kids are staying home from school 'until further notice' which is what they said last march, except this time we are being graded on the school at home stuff (I cant say homeschool because that means something different and apparently that pissed off dad too yesterday)

So I started writing out some kind of schedule for myself for the mornings. That way I can stop staying up until 1am trying to get some 'me time', also its going to help me get started on drinking water throughout the day, I havent been doing that very well lately,

I replaced my monitor, after it did its refusing to turn back on thing again. And I've been stunned at the colours of the new one, so the old one is definitely toast.

The new one isnt new at all, it's a hand me down ive been keeping to maybe set up as a second monitor, because it would be really cool to be able to run a 2 monitor set up, so I can both play warcraft and watch the office or whatever kind of decadent thing i come up with

Ugh okay one more thing from dads conversation, he said that my kids 'dont see him as an opa', like, what. What does that even mean. They call him opa, they know hes my dad, they know hes a grandparent, I dont fucking know what he is expecting there.

His dad sat at the table and ate with us, I didnt talk to him at all. He sat and watched wrestling, so i would watch that with him. We didnt talk at all. He would go outside and smoke his pipe and i didnt talk to him At All. Anything i know about him i learned from my dad. I would hug him when we left, if he happened to be going out for a smoke. Other wise we waved and said goodbye if he was still awake, most of the times he was sleeping in his chair.

Like what? My kids dont see you as an opa? Your opa was in Holland, you didnt fuxking have an opa. And I suspect this is also another one of these I want a big family gathering and an entire turkey christmas dinner with all the trimmings expectation, that you have never expressed in fullness, and have some expectation in your heart about how this was supposed to go and its not going that way.

But like, we were fine when we helped turn your shed and the boys drove the lawn tractor around all over that one afternoon. Was that not opa stuff?

Ugh anyways. I have to stop now, I'm getting a tension headache and school just started again. So ive got to process this as best I can and come back to dad with ??? I dunno, a plan for my lockdown bday that makes him feel valued and also respected and also like an opa and also not taken advantage of.

Just the thing that all birthdays are about for the eldest child thst didnt have the good sense to move the fuck away from her parents.

Oh and trump is out. And canada is actually saying the words white supremacy, so that's something.



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