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5:32 a.m. - 2021-08-01
Skin by kid brunswick
I cant sleep because my bones are coals, burning quietly inside my legs

I dont feel like being an adult and doing the 15 min meditation where I turn into the pain and immolate myself to make the pain more manageable

I dont want to. I'm sticking my lip out and pouting about it instead, refusing, because its 530am and I've slept like shit and I just dont want to be an adult and deal with this

So I'm listening to a song that feels like someone peeled off a layer of my heart and turned it into music

I dont know how the fuxk musicians do this but sweet fuxking god it's so good

The best part is it has a metronome at the end so when I've got it on repeat it fits so goddamn perfect, it's extremely satisfying.

Skin by kid brunswick, Mike shinoda worked on it and posted a story on instagram about it which is how I found it

I'm so grateful he kept working after losing chester, because everything he touches is so fuckin good

I had another dream about finding the person I'm meant to be with, I dunno what it means but I didnt wake up crying this time, a part of me is sitting inside the dream still, enjoying the feeling of having a ride or die partner

The only other thing that happened was a bunch of motorcycles rode by my car on friday when I was pulled over eating onion rings. I got a real weird vibe so after they had pulled into justin bieber's garage I pulled a uwie and went home

Sometimes after work I need an hour to just be alone, but I wont park near that garage next time.

I feel like I buried the lead on that story, but I dunno if it was actually him or not, hard to tell when helmets are involved and also the negative amount I care about whether it was him or not.

Weird vibe is totally on me and likely because of the amount of sons of anarchy I've watched

Alright alrightalfuckinright I'll do the damn meditation so I can sleep
Ps, I got a new job, its fuxking steller, it's full time though, hence the burning bones, so I work all week, recover saturday, try to get dishes and laundry caught up Sunday and start over again monday. My body is getting used to it, slowly, so fucking slowly. It's part dispensary and part delivery, so that helps, but it's a lot of carrying and bending and twisting and stretching in ways I havent moved since I got sick. Also the vaccine fuxked with my period, so that's been a whole thing. I might actually see friends on the 15th though, holy shit? I'm so anxious about it, but I will commit to going even if I do throw up before that day comes. I don't know how to prepare for a social outing. But I'm fully vaccinated, and everyone there will be too, and it will be outside, and I just need to do it.



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