2018-09-17

tired of pain

9:41am

Kiddos brought to school, sink of dishes done, rice cooked (i cooked only 2 cups, and I feel like if we need more I'll cook more tomorrow, rather than trying to cook a large batch and then having nowhere in the fridge to conveniently store it.

Coffee is mostly drank, I paused in drinking it because tyhe pain has gotten intense again. I'm still having stomach/inside my torso pain whenever i eat anything, this has been going on for about two months less than the overall debilitating pain of fibro.

I did have hashbrowns from A&W so I did take my meds and supplements this particular morning.

Im trying to cut down on the number of times a week I sneak into a fast food place drive thru to scarf down something that's horrible for me, but that also takes the inside pain away for 30 min after I eat it..

Im starting to think I'm actually legit addicted to deep fried food, or just fried food, even though I've never heard of that before. But the antsy-ness, the can't sit still-ness, and the PAIN is fucking real. so I don't really know what to think..

I haven't googled it yet because I dont really want to confirm that I am an addict, but I also want to stop this particular pain, because it's seperate from the other pains but might also trigger more pain in my body as I contort myself when sitting standing laying down in order to make that pain stop.

Ive had the scopes done, and it's not an ulcer of anykind, although that was more than two years ago so maybe that changed? even though the pain remains the same?

It's been so long with it though, I don't know what to do. The pain will also start if I get too hungry, and it causes me to make shitty decisions, because I Want the shit food, because it tastes wonderful and lights up my brain but also it makes the pain stop temporarily and I haven't had any capacity to take any more pain in my body.

So now that I've got the flares under control, and the rest of the pain has calmed enough I can remain upright for 8ish hours a day without completely crashing, now I'm focusing on this pain and how to make it stop, beyond the shit eating habits that have caused me to gain about 50 lbs in the last two years, to the point that I'm stupidly uncomfortable in almost any chair and I'm too heavy for any roller coaster, and I always always have to think about how I'm walking or where I'm putting my feet because I've lost almost all dexterity and balance.

I feel like once I get a part time job and don't have to rely on foodbank food, and once I'm more stable money-wise and don't have the risk of losing my housing, maybe it's stress pain from that and it won't fade until I'm certain the kiddos and I won't get kicked out of here...

It's 10:00am, and I'm going to put on a movie and curl into a ball.

u-saved-me at 9:41 a.m.

past --- future