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4:58 a.m. - 2022-02-15
Existential dread, I dont want to move
I feel like I'm losing my mind.

My landlady has gone from supporting us to passive aggressively screwing us over in every single way she can.

Up to and including spreading salt *only* on the two feet of the stoop that her or her husband use, and not the extra foot that the boys and I use.

I'm trying to remain calm in the face of several months of this continuing but I'm fucking exhausted from work, the pandemic, keeping my parent sane (individually, because lord knows they each take their own time to melt down), keeping two fuxking kids sane and with some ki d of hope for the future in the face of *gestures broadly at the entire world*

The only comfort I have is that as long as I continue to pay rent I cant be evicted because a) I've fucking done nothing to be evicted for and b) there is no rental contract because the landlady and landlord never bothered to write one up for me to sign when they bought this place. Ya know, two months after I was already living here. Because the old landlord was absentee and didnt give a fuck about it at all. I never even met him.

I just wish my current landlords would break the contract with the city so we can stop this dancing around and I can know if I'm moving (if they spike the rent) or staying.

About the only consoling thing is that I have a steady full time job, so at least if I have to move back in with dad I wont have to listen to him lecture me on the power of working for a living.

I just turned 38, and I'm not looking forward to having to move back in with my dad, but I cant afford 1300 a month plus utilities for a basement apartment

That would be 50%+ of my income of 2100 per month. I dont know how us poverty line people are supposed to survive

I need to channel all of this into rage to sustain me for the next week of cleaning dust bunnies and cobwebs that has to be done before my next "inspection" on the 26th. I also need to take my painkilling meds regularly so I can keep going and then rest after the 26th.

I cut a bunch of my hair off and have yet to actually look at what I did to it. All I know is that its lighter but still fits into a pony for work.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday, an episode about clutter clearing, and how brains actually try to 'solve' the issue of clutter even when you aren't actively thinking about it.

I'm wondering if my constant exhaustion is from that background buzzing and weight constantly on my brain. As the pandemic has gone on, my to donate pile has taken over and my to dump pile too, since both those places have been randomly closed and randomly open and I work full time now and cant just sit in a line of cars at the dump for 4 hours

If I do end up having to move, I'm definitely renting one of those junk bins and putting it in my section of the driveway and my landlady can have a complete nuclear level meltdown over it for all I care



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