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10:38 p.m. - 2008-09-15
go to bed stupid
$50 a month is what its going to cost to swwwwiiiimmmmm.. my mom got me the info pamphlet the doll that she is..

I puked last night. I puked by will and will alone. I just leaned over the toilet and told myself to do it.

I was pretty sick, I couldnt sleep. This ball of aching disgusting annoying pain where my spine connects to my pelvis (I have skeletal muscle names popping into my head, but Im not going to write them because I will spell them wrong but GOD this biology is fascinating) and so I went into the bathroom, looked at my self in the mirror and tossed my hair back in one hand and proceeded to toss my cookies into the toilet..

thats partially a fabrication but it sounds better.. I lie to myself too much.

Ive done my budget, and Im sticking to it (almost a week in! woo! haha) and you know, this might be the BEST way to teach myself how to stick to a budget.. you are the best prize, much better than being out of debt..

the knot of pain is still there although baseball sized and not watermelon, so Ive been eating normally, for the most part.

Id just like to have surgery and they can scrap whatever vile substance that is making me feel this way OUTOUTOUT of me..

Ive called the lawyer, she's blown me off a couple times. I lied to Patrick and told him I have taken care of it. I will. yes. I will.

my ankle aches and aches. I wish I could swim NOW. but theres about $90 of a surcharge to save up first. so Friday it is. Then to get bathing apparel of some kind...

I want to learn something of Canadian politics too. I'll go visit Josh while he's at work, and I will relay anything I learn. I might ask Dave too, because for some reason I think he will be able to explain it..

hm perhaps I should suggest a meeting of the minds, or theirs so Kristin and Dave can be in on it.. and we can call you and have you be there too :D

Im really living up to my star sign this week. I havent come up with so many goddamned good social partying type ideas in a long time.. and dude. the limo place, at least from the website it seems perfect.. but we'll seeeeee...

Nikki and I should really plan parties.. tahts all we should do for the rest of our lives..

if I won the lottery..

I don't know if Patrick is still going to counselling, I think he is, because the outburst have calmed down and he actually almost wouldntlet me go the last time I was over at his place.. like I cant explain it exactly because its stupid and couple-y and embarassing for the most part, but that kind of mushy I dont want you to leave has NOT happened since I told him I was pregnant. and before that, I dont remember it happening much after I moved to Hamilton. It happened all the time when he was living at my place on Brunswick, but then, he was doing NOTHING but waiting for me to come home. and I worked 12 hours a day..

but the truth? I cant trust him to do dick. nothing. if I dont spell it out for him every single day, it wont happen. And I will jsut end up trying to do everything again and I cant. I cant do that.

I had a dream last night and I was talking to Kristin, and she was saying how I shouldnt have any more than one and I looked her right in the eye and said if I had a ring on my finger I would have at least one more, or be pregnant right now.

I hate waking up to a dream like that..

knowing in an alternate universe Im happily married..



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