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10:30 p.m. - 2010-12-07
can't comb in the white noise
radvent today is about PLAYING, which I am forced to do daily by my daughter..

I don't 'play' very well, Im MUCH better than I was four years ago.. when I would just, not speak. or anything, with my baby because I felt foolish.

I forced myself to be goofy with her, forced it out. It was HARD a lot harder then I think it should be, but thats me. Im terrified of looking like an idiot and will lie cheat and steal to avoid it.

I wish I was kidding. Ive been caught lying more than once about what I pretended to know.. because I didn't want to look like an idiot. And what happened? I got found out and looked like an idiot.

yeah, can't seem to get that one in my head, but EVERY DAY I force myself to act like a goof with Julianne.. or to say something totally silly to her to make her laugh..

And its hard. Always. Making things up in my head has always been my preferred form of entertainment. Either reading someone else's fantasy and imagining it, or coming up with something myself.

I hear my daughter playing in her room, talking to herself, or her dolls, and I never ever ever will ask her what she is doing..

My mom did that once, asked me if it was a good story.. and I came totally out of myself and realized people can hear me! and I imagined I looked like an idiot, because my mom was kind of laughing at me..

Yeah, I have always been FAR too sensitive to that shit.. even when I was FOUR YEARS OLD AND PLAYING MAKE BELIEVE..


ANyways. I play, okay? I play as much as I can.

And I'm really jealous of people that can just sit andtalk and who seem to never think about the words coming out or how they sound..

Ever wonder why Im so quiet? THat's why. I dont want to look like an idiot. I don't want to be that person who is always talking about themselves and injecting themselves into conversations.

Guess that's why being drunk suits me, I talk without thinking so much. And I turn into everyone else. so they think Im still sober, because they dont fucking realise how quiet I am normally.

Its almost an artform.. to be in a room full of people, pay them ALL huge amounts of listening attention, to the point that NO ONE NOTICES that you are quiet because they are sure you said something... positive. Even though you didn't.

Body language and facial expressions and mmhmms and ahhs and nonwords. Or remembering and repeating in the case of intoxicated people. They eat up their own words.

kk I need to go to bed. Im freezing and tired and starting to shake.

THe goodnews? Its not eleven yet and my chores are done. Im ready to crawl into bed and think about.. dream about the future, where I am happily married to a boy that does dishes and the laundry...



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