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3:35 a.m. - 2008-03-21
happy first day of spring
Esse quam videre - to be, rather than to appear.



Im drunk. I had a VERY good night. I cant remember the last time I was downtown without him.

It was so relaxed and easy going. Despite having to suck on halls, swallow cold meds at the table in the middle of the bar and go to the bathroom to sort out various bits of my face that kept leaking at a horrible rate THREE DIFFERENT GUYS BOUGHT ME DRINKS!

A longtime friend almost expressed one of my long suppressed secret lusts to the ENTIRE table.. um, yeah its a labret. specifically a hoop. Ive never kissed a boy with a labret or other lip or tongue piercing but fuck they turn me on.. And my old friend (fuckbuddy that I never actually had sex with, just to spell it out for you darling) somehow KNEW just from me encouraging him to get his lip pierced.. strange boy can read me in ways no one else can.. uh I take that back. The boy who just came back from Alabama. Yeah. He can read me MUCH clearer even. Come to think of it, the boy can pretty much read me like a book, regardless of what we are talking about. I havent let myself think like this in a long time..

See, thats something that I always had a VERY easy time with... suppression of everything that was wrong with him, and my most recent relationship.

my longtime friend has been the one who has always known exactly what I want physically. always. Not just because he was the first one I explored being totally naked with and I know he just does things he thinks that girls want, and apparently I just want everything because he always does the right exact thing. HE'S SIMPLE. and I get him. I think thats why I have kept up the friendship with him. I am TOTALLY comfortable in his presence, I am totally at ease, because a part of me always will remember that he has seen me naked and been able to be my friend and look me in the eye afterward.

Sex with my most recent boyfriend was fine and wonderful until I got pregnant. From then on I felt obligated to give him exactly what he wanted. All the time. And when I finally started being a little selfish, thats when he started looking elsewhere. And eventually went on a break with me so he could fuck another girl. At that point sex lost all emotional attachment for me. It has become what it is to pretty much everyone else in the world, except the virgins who dream big and the ones in seriously longterm relationships that dont have kids yet..
I dont consider it a physical expression of love anymore.
Its just something that two people can do together. Because I faked it a LOT in the past three years. I had to. He had needs and he WOULD NOT leave me alone until he was satisfied. He would go down on me and shit but 90% of the time I knew it was because he just wanted ot make me come so he could brag about how he ALWAYS makes EVERY girl come whenever he touches them, thats part of his internet personna.. it HAS nothing at all to do with love for him BECAUSE HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY TO A FUCKING PROSTITUTE.

yeah and he tells me Im the crazy one with all the issues?

I want a boy who smokes when he drinks. a boy with tattoos, a boy with piercings. I want a boy who I am completely comfortable around. as in I can sing in front of him and get dressed in front of him (without turning my back to him) make dessert while he does the dishes a boy who loves his job no matter what it is I dont care I dont care how much he makes as long as he knows how to save his money and manage his finances I dont care how old he is as long as he isnt swimming in debt or if he is swimming that he is willing to get as many jobs and work as hard as he can to get them paid off I want a boy with dreams AND ambition I want a boy who isnt scared to be called Daddy

I have to end this because Im getting sad now, this is a long and Im making this too complicated

maybe I should start with getting laid properly? like no demand for head no anal no fucking kinky weird shit, just straight up attraction and reaction. with a condom. uh yeah. my first time with a condom eh? this is going to be hella awkward..

oh drunken rant how i missed you..

ps my facebook page is under maintenance at the moment, otherwise you would be getting some drunken wallpostings for sure! haha



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