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10:16 p.m. - 2008-05-17
courage and anger courage and anger courage and anger
Im watching HITCH.. and man, its taking my breath away..

apparently I am a perfectly TYPICAL beautiful woman!

except for the beautiful part.. Im more like Albert then that girl Alegra..

anyways.. its romantic comedy and I like it.. the shit just hit the fan and now will smith has to figure out how to save the day..

I almost started crying the other day.. walking behind K with her girl in the stroller and girl hanging on to the stroller and boy in the oven.. and beautiful ring on her finger.. and I had to look away and try not to feel like a loser..

single moms are not looked upon with respect in society. (or in any society?) they are looked at with pity at best..

i rode the bus today to Ps and every single person had eyes burning with something as I walked on with J in my arms

movie break..

*sigh, it was perfect. painful and heart wrenching perfect. kind of like the conversation I had with P this morning, I completely and utterly ripped a strip off of him, and I only started crying after I hung up.. which usually I would blubber my way through it or just hang up without getting anywhere..

i told him if he wants to make decisions about j he HAS to take me to court to get some kind of custody arrangement.. other then that I make the decisions and if I want to allow his sister to spend 24 hours with J then that WILL HAPPEN.. regardless of his phone calls demanding precedent to see his daughter..

yeah and when J and I got to his place today you know what he was doing? waiting out front with a football for his timhortons friends to come..


so he spent some time playing with her, then after they showed up he pretty much ignored her unless she ran right up to him saying football football..


i hate it.. and i hate him..

i really fucking do.. because GOD how could you do that to a little child..

when she saw it was him as we walked up she RAN to him.. she was so excited..

i thank GOD that shes only 19 months old and not going to remember this..

ok now Im bawling and the movie is on again..


not crying anymore.. still hurts fuck..I need a smoke, but i cant leave j, and besides i have to save what little money I BORROWED for tomorrow night..

hes never been that excited to see j.. ever.. he's never been waiting outside to take her to the park right away, ever. he never thinks of anything except to show her off to people.. he originally wanted me and him and her to go to the trailer to meet that girl thats getting married in july and some other people.. show j off, thats it, everything else? nonexistant.. and he wants me to come over again tomorrow..

fireworks keep going off, im surprised j has slept through it..

i want a fucking smoke.. gah..

how could i have fallen in love with someone like him..

i dont want j to feel this.. oh please please.. let him be far far aaway..

dead, preferably.

and seriously, i dont fucking care anymore..

i want j to live happily ever after.. and im terrified that he is going to ruin that

because his dad? yeah, ugh, i'll move to Oz to avoid P if he keeps heading in that direction..

right after im done nursing, i'll whisk her away and I will come home every year for your party...

god please if you can hear me.. dont let him fuck this up.. i dont care how you do it i never ever want her to feel the way i did

the way i do

I will trade anything.. everything.. as long as she is happy..

or at least, give me the words to explain it right when she starts asking if he loves her.. or if she did something wrong.. or if its her fault..

dont let me screw that part up at the very least.. please..

just please, let my love be enough.. like L.. please.. let it turn out like l.. ..let j grow up to find someone perfect and be happy and get married and have a wonderful life........

and i will trade any chance i have and i will give it all to her ok? if the seven months of good and wonderful and happy i had with p is all i ever get i dont care.. as long as you give it to her..

Reverand M? I need those people from the South you know with the bats or shotguns ..



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