1:04 p.m. - 2010-11-12
anyways, my head is out to get me. I could have done without a perfect dream of 'how it used to be' with Ceej. Complete with me babbling on and him interjecting monosyllables. And yet I was convinced we were having a 'conversation'.
yeah. I miss him a fuckload. And the reson I was crying was not because I miss him, but because I felt like an asshat for whatever I said to him on msn that last time. Baby#2 pushed out that memory, so that I can't recall exactly what I typed, but it was along the lines of, I dont believe you are going to off yourself cuz you would have already done it. and prolly worse then that, because Juli had been crying for hours, was refusing to sleep and Nikki was there for one of the only actual get togethers I ever had with a friend at that apartment and I was so fucking done. Just had nothing left. no patience, no understanding, nothing.
And I took it out on CJ, who's a proud person and prolly wouldnt have told anyone else about what he was going through, and I cut him off.
I decided this morning, through my tears, that THAT is the reason why I don't bother with the other 'friends' from highschool. beacuse it doesnt matter if I get through to them, eventually my kids with ahve worn me out and I'll be snarky with someone else and hurt them badly so why should I bother getting to eb friends with them again?
Its my need for acknowledgment thats screwed me up. Because I didn't know I had it. And that would be why Josh broke up with me (even tho I doubt he'd be able to put it together out loud, but in his heart he knows me well enough to know this) Two people that crave acknowledgment don't work. Just like two people that don't talk, don't work. Which I s'pose is why CJ and I will never get back to where we were, because I can't sign on to mns, with kids screaming in the background. and I have to sleep now. I can't stay up all hours and wander to work. Because my kids will suffer the wrath of sleepdeprived me.
so. i don't know. maybe I don't really want a friendship with someone I have to pull teeth out of to get anywhere with.
But, fuck. The memories are like chewing on glass.
It just seems to get worse and worse with time. I don't know...
I'm turning more and more towards my characters, towards fictional people in books.
As long as my stupid computer doesnt crash *knocks frantically on the wooden desk