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10:26 p.m. - 2018-08-18
my kiddo discovered that mcds makes chocolate sundaes today and he was appalled that i didnt tell him earlier
My ex officially started paying child support again. It's adorable, his half-assed attempt, his excuses for not paying me more (I still owe T that money from the hydro bill, awww really, that's more than two years old you know, that specific excuse, how long are you going to milk the guilt i feel about your decision to borrow money from one of the only one of "our" friends that still talks to me?)

While simultaneously borrowing $450 from his dad(AG) for reasons unknown. (So for those of you following along at home, that's exactly 6 months worth of child support that he borrowed today from his old man. (40 for the first month, 80 for subsequent months, unless he miraculously pays T back, then the child support payments will be.... oh yeah he never actually said. Right) See? Adorable.

I can't even imagine not having a conversation with my own Dad about why I was borrowing money. Even if it was ten dollars I would have to explain what I needed it for, even if Dad didn't care (which, ten bucks, probably not) but, like, how do you go through life assuming that your parents owe you so fucking much...

Like I know about blackmail, I understand your vehement need to get even, but your dad is almost 73, he literally told me today he's achieved and done everything he's ever wanted to do, and was talking about committing fraud to help me and his grandkids out financially (which fuuuck off with that noise, I'd be in jail in a heartbeat). And started talking about gallows, and then flipped to some of his PTSD moments that he can't get out of his head. He referred to them as quiant memories that just 'won't leave his brain' and them proceeded to tell me about them in detail in the middle of McDonalds. Fucking cops.

Far too much time spent with AG in the last two months. He buys groceries, only to let them rot on his counter and in his fridge, because the ideas he has for his meals while in the store don't match what he wants in the moment when he's hungry. It's so fucking frustrating, when I'm counting coins and stretching freezer burnt meat and speghetti sauce and rice to get through to the next bit of money, but I'm wandering around the grocery store for him, so he can let more food go to waste.

Everything about this is frustrating. exhausting, and it feels like living with my ex did. It feels like taking him to court did. It feels like living across the street from where he suddenly got hired and worked for years, it feels like all of those agonizing anxiety inducing moments all at the same time, for hours on end.
And I should just walk away. But since the grandkids (MY kids) are his only source of any kind of happiness I feel like an asshole ignoring him.

But tap dancing crackers, there's only So Much Of This I Can Take.



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