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9:46 p.m. - 2018-08-19
i love my family (really). i wish we could all get together more often
I finally took the stuff that was collecting in my hallway to the thrift store (Ive been accumulating it in that spot since winter), I finally asked the kiddos to help load it in the car, and then after that, asked them to load it into the car while I had a shower, because I realized my energy that I expended yesterday cleaning up wasn't coming back to me today as quick as I had hoped.

It went fine. Finer than fine. They took all the boxes and bags of things and packed them neatly into the car, with no arguing or anything. It was all done in the 15 min I took to shower off my weary body.

I need to trust them more to help with things around the house. I need to let them help when I need help. I don't have to do this all alone anymore, and I need to remember to ask.

Tomorrow we will sweep and vacuum the floors, and at 11 my dad will come with a friend of his that need sewing done, so technically she will be my boss. If I can sew.

Eldest learned how to sew this morning with my mom, so if it comes down to it, I will ask her to help me.

We went to my moms for supper (eldest brother came!!) and then grammas for cousin's Adios Have Fun At College cake eating gathering (middle brother and his soon to be wife came!!).

I'm jealous, of course, and happy for him too. He'll be different when I see him next summer, and hopefully full of the fun stories of college shenanigans that I can live vicariously through.

Anxiety is still eating at me after these family gatherings, telling me I talked too much and was annoying. I'm trying to ignore that voice in my head but it's just so damn familiar that it gets the spiral going before I even know it. But I feel it, in my chest.
I need to go back to meditating more. Or you know, meditating at all.

And I need to figure out a way to build up my endurance. Without causing a pain flare. ha ha haaa



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