4:58 p.m. - 2018-09-02
i can hear my dad come out of my mouth every time i speak these days, lecture upon lecture upon anxiety driven lecture
I want to play warcraft, but if I start I know it will be hours until i stop. So I haven't started yet.
I'm trying to go easy on myself, since I almost crashed into a flair yesterday, And I was angry about not being able to just sit and play warcraft. At least that's what I thought I was angry about.
I don't think it was that, I think it was because my computer is slowly giving warning signs that it's not going to live much longer and I'm getting to the point I can't ignore them, and I'm waiting patiently to apply to a 'perfect for me' job but I don't have any interview worthy clothes, unless it's 30+ degrees on interview day. And I also need to get to the library and type up/print out a resume specific to this 'perfect' job. And then if I get it I will have to get some clothes taht aren't full of holes and are office appropriate and I know I'll have to ask for help buying the clothes (unless I find some at goodwill by some miracle) .. and and and
I'm anxious. To the point of rage. So I need to play warcraft and tell my brain to shut the fuck up because all of this is going to work out. it's going to be fine. I'll get a real job (if not this 'perfect' job, then something else) and it will be FINE.
I just keep spinning around the same things over and over again spiraling inward, and downward, until I convince myself it's not worth getting out of bed. Or worse, I end up in a panic attack and sobbing and gasping for breath.
I should call the therapist I was seeing in the spring.
I should make a list of all the things I should work on when the kids are (finally) back in school Tuesday.
AND THEN I'll play warcraft.
