11:16 p.m. - 2019-12-30
and it opens up old hurts
so every page I try to get through, then he thinks of that girl and it's an icicle in my heart, i just keep losing my breath and throwing the fucking book down and away and staring at it.
because ive never been meant for anyone, not meant to be that for anyone, not ever, not when i tried not when i ignored it not when i turned away not when i denied it, ive done everything, every trick, every game, every thing. and not fucking ever has it worked.
im just a vessel to be filled and emptied. filled and emptied again. thats it. that's what im good for. that's the only reason anyone stays for long. my kids. the only reason my bullshit is tolerated at all
im a means to an end, to a legacy of a sort, your name will carry on congrats. im just something to be put up with until you get tired of me, and you go to someone else again, and again and again. i wish i could stop remembering the moments when you told me all about every single one of them. I wish i could stop the tally of differences when it starts playing again in my head.
I've never been enough to keep anyone satisfied for long. And I have no balance for that. No control. I cant do anything but be myself. Im too stupid to lie anymore.
i wish you had more options then just me to talk to. i know im not good company, i dont take anything seriously because it all hurts so much, and im so goddamn angry. because it reminds me of sitting in those moments when he was tearing pieces off my heart and laughing about it.
you cant teach someone how to be reflective on their own actions and words but goddamnit if i dont want to grab her by the hair and try to.
im sorry this rage is exhausting i get why you dont bother i get it, i used to be in that spot, but somewhere between then and now I got angry.
ive forgotten how to turn my rage off though, if i ever knew how to do that. if i stuff it down it burns hotter. it keeps building and building until I siphon some off into wards. not a great solution, takes up time, and i have to be somewhat calm to do that effectively.. not a great long term solution.