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9:03 a.m. - 2020-03-22
headin straight for the castle
So I saw a post on tumblr that talked about keeping records during this time, and Im thinking I should. Just to get all of this out of my head, but maybe for future reading? I dunno if it will benefit anyone but me, or even if it will.... anyways, here goes nothin! I cant use names or any identifying things, because of privacy, but I think I can manage this without breaking any laws.

Today's the last day of 'march break' for this year, so I did have a vague plan of starting some kind of schedule for the kids for Mon-Fri for the coming weeks.. as I don't believe the schools will open again on Apr 6th like the plan is now..

So for the record, I drive delivery for a pharmacy and have found myself suddenly on the front line as a health care worker, despite having no training in healthcare whatsoever. I don't even have First Aid training.

And because of the health care system being what it is, and running at 110% capacity at normal times, I've witnessed people completely pass out while trying to sign their name, because they got sent home from the hospital and lied about whether they have a caretaker.. I've stood by the chair of someone struggling to breathe for 20 min, waiting for her to either regain her breath or pass out so I can call someone, only to be told when I got back to the store that she has a DNR and calling someone would have been the wrong move. I've helped a woman who broke both her wrists administer nasal spray to herself so she could breathe, and encouraged her to call her brother, because I wouldnt be there the next time she cant breathe

And that was all before all of this quarantine and self isolation and everything. Now I'm struggling to make sure I don't become a vector of the virus, and also managing some severe anxiety from the clients that I deliver to (clients, patients, customers, all are used interchangably at the pharmacy to refer to the public we serve, but since I have no health care training using patients seems... arrogant?)

Yesterday I worked from 830am to 630pm. I visited 2 people with no immune system at all (one midway through radiation therapy for cancer {and I went to her place twice, because she couldnt get out of her apartment without passing out}, the other one.. Im not sure her history but Im the only person other than her son she has opened her door to in 3 weeks), I also saw 4 people who coughed within a foot of me with absolutely no attempt to cover their mouths, and dealt with 3 people who refused to meet me at the door (not because of symptoms or exposure, but because they were worried and scared} and one lady who let me in her house but refused to come any closer to me than 4 feet and demanded I place everything on the floor and back up, and then she would pick up my clipboard and pen and sign the papers......

I faked signatures of people who only signed one part of a two part thing, I faked signatures for people either in self isolation or who have maybe been exposed by someone they know, I wrote "saw soandso come to the door and pick up pkg" and signed my name in the spot where they are supposed to sign.

I used hand sanitizer after every delivery, painfully aware of my clip board being cork, so I can't actually sanitize it at all.. which means what the fuck am I doing really ?? nothing, if its on the board, it's everywhere and hand sani isn't going to help ?? Or maybe it is? I dont know if there is any knowledge in the world of this outside of hospitals.. but I wish they would tell pharmacies.

There's a distillary in town that has started making hand sanitizer, and was immediately overwhelmed with the demand, which made me cackle a bit. but not a lot because there is a serious lack of sani available to us in the car, and it's way wayyy less than what I would have on hand if I was in charge of stocking it.. but there is no more sani anywhere except at this distillary. And they have run out of bottles to put it in.. so they are trying to get ahold of more bottles, and we will be keeping the plastic dispensing bottles from the sani we have now in order to refill them with the distillary sani later. and by later I mean this week.

My hours have increased, but because of my fibro/pain issues, I was only working part time before. Now I'm still sort of working part time but I work every day for the next week. 4 hour shifts mon-fri (alternating mornings and evenings), then a full saturday again (830-6) and next sunday (12-6).

While foot traffic to the store has slowed way down, deliveries are still bonkers, and Im guessing that there will come a time when we are a closed storefront with only the dispensary and deliveries open.. with a drop box outside for prescriptions to be dropped in or something.. OR maybe I will have to go to the homes, pick up the prescriptions that cant be faxed in, and then bring them to the dispensary..

Oh and I'm training a dude maybe, if he calls one of the owner's back with his availability for training this week.. The original dude I was training back in Feb (we'll call him D), had nightblindness and almost got us into a headon collision, so he was fired before his training was completed. 2nd dude (we'll call him B), started training, took a couple days off because of new medication complications (he's diabetic) and then never came back after that because of coronavirus.
Third dude has forgotten how to use a telephone to contact the owner about when he can come in for training this week, which, perhaps his family got to him about how this is a front line health job and stuff.

Everyone seems to be waffling between making jokes about it and nervous laughter about how we are all super goddamn fucked.

Or maybe that's just my influence on people.. I have a way about me that makes people talk and tell me their secrets. I dunno why. It just happens. Taking a taxi for any longer than 10 min means the driver tells me about how he misses his exwife and how his kids dont know him any more, taking the bus means someone inevitably sits beside me and tells me about how worried they are about their skin condition, delivering to people sometimes means I stand there while someone tells me the clouds are closer today then they ever have been before and the government is seeding the sky and changing the weather..

I probably should have been some kind of therapist. But then again, I think I already am? Kind of like how I'm a healthcare worker with no certificate to my name.

Im not scared of getting covid19, despite the unusual cases of people in my age range getting it and dying within days.. Im scared of being a vector of it, and killing everyone I come in to contact with through my work.

I'm not scared of society collapsing, Ive been having dreams about that happening for as long as I can remember. I thought Y2K was going to be it, and then the programmers saved us. I thought maybe 911 would start WW3, but it didn't. I thought maybe climate change might be the thing, or revolt against the buillionares that are sucking the world dry for their giant money hoards. But those are both slow moving.

I think maybe coronavirus is the thing though, the thing that brings capitalism, and the foundations of 'business' to it's knees, so that we can start over, prioritizing people instead of profits.

I'm scared of not being useful when society collapses. I'm scared of not being able to contribute anything, except maybe a shoulder to cry on. I'm good at that. And I'm good at saying ridiculous things to make people laugh. But I have no real skills. Except maybe problem solving? Pulling things apart into logical boxes.. mulling a problem over until I have some kind of solution.

I'm a support unit basically. One that doesn't really have a skill but I can help carry things, or organize things. Or put googly eyes on things.

I bought a shredder and a printer/scanner. And paper. It;'s part of the long term 'maybe i will have to homeschool these kids' plan. Today was sort of supposed to be going through the school board's list of websites and pdfs or whatever they have released. But I'm not feeling it at all.

Im tired and sore from work yesterday, my period started this morning, and I have a sore throat. I checked my temp last night but I can't remember what it said. Its in celcius and I have no idea whats normal for celcius so I googled a infographic for the next time i check my temp, which shouldprobably be now.

If I have a temp I'm supposed to wait until 24hrs after it's gone before I go back to work.. or at least thats the stuff posted on the walls at work for the dispensary staff. Every time I go in, there's more stuff posted to read and pay attention to. some days I forget to read it



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