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9:58 p.m. - 2020-04-07
They're watching as I fall, they're staring as I go
Some kind of truck just drove by. It sounds like a snowplow from in my bedroom, but it cant be, theres no snow

And at 10pm it makes me wonder what the fuck kind of truck is driving around out there at this hour, my street is a crescent, and residential except for a church and a womens shelter at one end of it.

Im going to try to remember to record when it goes by, and see if theres some kind of pattern. Yes this might be an adhd brain moment, and i'll forget almost immediately.

Youngest has adhd officially, but having sat with the doctor and teachers and principal for the meetings that turned into testing that turned into diagnosing, turns out theres a lot of things that my brain does that are the same as adhd symptoms.

I'm not going to bother getting diagnosed, I dont think. I mean, i survived it for 36 years and have figured out a lot of it on my own, how to cope in real life with a brain that wont ever stfu

guess that's why i never could stick with one or two sentence entries for very long. i always have too much to talk about, especially when theres no one i can talk about it with

other than C, of course. Some day, when he's back on solid ground, hopefully i can figure out the words to explain to him how much him being always around has helped me.. i dont think ive adequitly explained it to him.

I have no idea how to spell adequitly, there was more to that paragraph but that word completely derailed my train of thought, and if i google how to spell it that will be the end of this post, so im just leaving it as is

Work is changing again, in a big big way. Finally one of the owners put together that if one person gets sick we will have to close the whole pharmacy for 14 days straight, and have it deep cleaned, and then wait to see who of the rest of us come down with covid in the mean time.

So the big brain idea is to have two separate shifts, and keep the two shifts of people separate from each other. So if one person from the first shift gets sick, we close for a day or two for a deep clean, and then the second shift keeps right on trucking while the first shift stays home for two weeks.

The email that came out said that now is the time to decide whether you are opting in to this two shift idea, or if you would prefer to go on unpaid leave and get CERB from the Canadian government.

I already emailed to say Im in for the shift and whatever it looks like for delivery drivers. There's only 4 delivery drivers as it is, and one full time dude is already on stress leave (but hes supposed to come back right when all of this is supposed to start, on monday)

I don't know, and likely won't know for a long time, whether this is the martyr in me, wanting to be on the front lines, in the thick of things, doing the selfsacrificing thing, or that pesky little death wish thing that pops up.. or being stubborn.
ya know, despite health ministries around the world saying obese people are at higher risk, it's funny, because im not at higher risk to contract pneumonia, or the flu, so. Maybe I want to stay on the front lines to prove that fat people are just as capable to work, and also are not any more lazy than the general population..

Maaaaaybe it's because Im the only girl driver, and I don't want to look weak when compared to the boys.

I dunno. I have a skillset that is in demand right now and it feels good to be... needed? Yeah Im not going to figure out what is driving me tonight. Maybe I just want to feel like I'm a part of something, even though I'd likely feel more connection with people if I stayed home and texted and wrote lettters and emails and stuff.

A lady gave me a hand made mask today. And since I know of her and her use of hand sanitizer before this all happened, when she says she hasnt gone anywhere in 3 weeks, and is not sick, and it smells like laundry, i believe her and wore the mask for most of the day today.

I tied it on, managing to get it tightened the right way, it was poofing out with each exhaled breath, so I got a pretty good seal despite it being homemade.

Everyone at the store had bugged eyes when I came in with it on, so I started pulling it down in the car before I came in. Also I was sweating like mad with it on, so pulling it down let it made sure it didnt get totally soaked in an 8 hour shift.

I did feel better with it on, when Im inside apartment buildings and standing the the vestibule for the care homes in town. I understand that it's not going to protect me from the virus, but even that little bit of help to protect other people from me is good. Since my biggest anxiety is being an asymptomatic carrier of this thing and wiping out half the population of my town.

I work another full day tomorrow, then a break on thursday (but i'll be homeschooling youngest so is it really a break?) and then 10-5 on fri/sat/sun. Providing they don't upend the schedule with this new shift stuff.

I need someone else to make a list of the local places that are trying to make it with only take out orders, And like provide the phone numbers and websites and shit. I want to make this list myself but i have no fucking time to do so.
I want to help local places in addition to dominoes and harveys... but it seems you have to know someone who already knows about which places are doing what before you can get in on that

and please god dont let the answer be "spend more time on facebook", if I could delete my entire profile without causing world war three amongst the grandmas (my mom and patrick's mom) I would

I think Youngest and I saw a peregrin falcon at the river, i was pretty excited, he didnt really know what the deal was until he saw the fish clasped in the talons

Ive got 6 diary entires to catch up on, and then I can lie the fuck down, and start all over again tomorrow.

this song has been stuck in my head, bits of it popping up now and then, all day. some days are just Mike Shinoda days, and his lyrics catch up with me, and follow me around.

They're watching as I fall, they're staring as I go
I gave until my soul hurt, and never told them so
They're watching as I fall, to somewhere down below
But maybe I'm just falling, to get somewhere they won't



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