Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries

9:48 a.m. - 2020-04-28
im heading straight for the castle

i talked to mom on zoom last night, managed to frick around with youngests school laptop until it connected. Almost immediately told her about the bologna at work, because i hadnt told anyone but you lovelies so apparently it was bursting to be told to someone who would be able to respond in real time

Eldest is yelling about putting bananas in milk and im not sure what... oh he's talking about what youngest is doing in the videogame (breath of the wild). Eldest does seem to get a little cranked when youngest discovers a recipe that works in that game. Reminds me of how cranked his dad used to get when i got achievements on his Bioshock game... achievements he had tried and tried and failed to get and then disbelieved that i actually got them, even though the machine records all of the details of when and where for those.. and i cant fake it..

anyway, guess what im saying is, eventually eldest will grow out of this disbelieving envy, instead of turning it into a competition, and it will be good. I'm breaking the cycle with these kids, all the cycles. The abusive ones, and the browbeating disappointment ones, and all of them. Whatever issues they end up with will be entirely the result of their own lives and their own hardships, not shit passed down from their parents and grandparents.

Im eating leftovers from last weeks meal kits, and i didnt bother to warm it up. It tastes like some crazy chef version of a potato salad as a result, with zucchini and bits of pork chop in it. It's not bad, not at all, but it's also not on the level of these meal kits, usually the flavours are off the charts delicious, this one seems to be missing something. hense why im trying eating it cold instead of hot, just to see whether that changes it.

Government announced yesterday? this past weekend? I dunno, some time recently that frontline workers would be getting a raise. After reading the article what they mean is front line healthcare workers in direct contact with covid19 patients will be getting a raise.

People keep congratulating me on facebook about this raise and I keep having to explain to them it doesnt apply to me.
I figure they didn't even read the article or the announcement on the government website, just saw the headlines and assumed. I know Ive done that in the past but jesustapdancingchrist we need to stop doing that and look at the details for a minute.

At least now Ive figured out to copy and paste my response to these congrats from people I havent actually spoke to in 10 years and havent talked to online ever

What even is facebook, honestly. Why am i 'friends' with so many of these people? What's the point? Some day I will look at it and unfriend a bunch of people, but i cant do it now that all these fuckers just messaged me

I decluttered one kitchen cupboard while I was waiting for my coffee to brew, Procrastinating on dishes is what it was really, but I suddenly grew aware of how much tea I've amassed when I don't drink tea. Im still not exactly sure how I ended up with so much of it (and MOVED some of it from the old place, considering the expiry dates on half of it was four fucking years ago), other than it's another leftover corner cluttered up by my unemployed days, when i was going to the foodbanks and would say yes to food i knew i wouldnt eat right away because it felt fucking weird to be there and also say no to the food offered? Like if they asked tea or coffee? I would say coffee, but if they said ground coffee? bagged tea? I'd say yes to both because it felt like that's what I was supposed to do? I dont fucking know, the psychology of being out of work, having kids to provide for, and also standing in those lines begging for food fucked me up pretty good.

Like empty cupboards would make me have panic attacks BUT cupboards filled with food i neither liked nor wanted to eat didn't make me panic? It was like my brain was like okay as long as this cupboard has ~stuff~ in it, i'll be okay, doesnt matter what that stuff is, as long as it looooooks full.

Fridge is the exact opposite, if it's got stuff on every single shelf and no room for anything else to go in, that makes me panic because I know there's stuff I can't see, stuff that might be going rotten because Ive forgotten it's there..

psychology of ~stuff~, aka how my anxiety makes me act like a freak.



previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!