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11:36 a.m. - 2020-05-04
matt mercer's voice, always and forever
My uterus is kicking my ass

Also checked my tracking and apparently because this period is late, i got away with no period for all of april. feels like im paying for those 4 full weeks of freedom

Im re-listening/watching critical role's 2nd campaign, i let it play while im trying to fall asleep or when im napping, I miss these nerds a lot

early eps have volume differences that are annoying, but only because im particular about setting the volume and hate having to get up out of bed to turn it down after it's woken me up at 3am

Ive been thinking about a thing that C said, about how women generally make decisions based on safety and men generally make decisions based on freedom, and ignoring my irritation at generalities, and simplifying the human race into two convenient categories, i think there's a lot of reasons for this..

women don't feel safe, from an early age it's made very clear to them that they are NOT safe, either through physical or sexual abuse or stalking or a combination of both, so, yeah of course most of their decisions for the rest of their lives are going to be around maintaining safety.

I don't understand the definition of 'freedom' in this context but I imagine he means personal liberties, and as always i dont really think about that much. And that might be because im a woman who was abused at a young age in various ways over a number of years and therefore personal liberties are a bit of a laughing matter ?

Like of course you would be focused on ~freedom~, when you don't have to worry about your personal *safety*, when you aren't in danger of being cornered somewhere and groped and forced to your knees, etc, When you've never had a lover's hands around your throat and realized that he might actually kill you this time...

It fucks you up, and if generational trauma is truly a thing, it will continue fucking up your kids, and their kids, on and on forever. Unless there are ways of breaking the cycle of bullshit. Which I sincerely hope there are. Because I'm trying.

And I hope the only trauma my kids have is their dad leaving, moving across the country, and being your typical deadbeat, not to say that is a little thing, it's a big thing,

but by their age I'd been sexually abused by foster kids my parents took in in an attempt to save their marriage, had my parents divorce, was stalked by two older kids who liked to whisper about how they would follow me home and cut out my tongue (i was in grade one), ratted out my mom to a judge to get my brother and i out of her custody after my step dad started beating my brother (but was unable to convince him that my two step brothers also needed to be taken out of the home, so felt like I was leaving two toddler kids with a monster and a drunk mother)

And then I turned 10. And I wonder why I'm such an emotional wreck that can't seem to convince anyone I'm worth sticking around for? Some times i forget how unstable my early years were. Ive never told my parents about the sexual abuse. I was pretty young, didn't even know what it was that was going on until muuuuch later, and by then it's just like, do i want to hurt my parents like that? Tell them that this good thing they were trying to do for these 4 orphan kids, and ya know, trying to keep their own shit together, ended up making it almost impossible for their eldest kid to have a normal childhood? Does it matter at this point? I don't know if there's any good that would come out of talking about it, although my dad would disagree , he likes to talk through shit and reaaaaally analyze it to the last molecule.. and it would just hurt my mom like crazy, one of her last bastions of good motherhood that she has to herself is that her kids weren't fiddled with. And honestly I'm not sure how her sanity would hold together if she found out that her only daughter has been holding that secret for so long.

Im really not in a happy place when Im in pain constantly and havent slept well the last couple nights.

I listened to a book at work called 'One Second After', which mostly just annoyed me. Apparently no one thinks about what would happen if the electricity suddenly stopped? And didn't come back on? Y'all don't think about that? Like, ever? Maybe it's because I live in a place with snowstorms and thunderstorms and tornadoes, and ice storms? Maybe it's because whenever the power goes off a part of me whispers 'maybe this is it...'

I think the problem was the main character and I have very very little in common. And also it talked about EMP like he'd never seen the Matrix? So I'm thinking it was written by a much older dude, but maybe it wasn't,

alright so i looked it up, William R. Forstchen (born October 11, 1950), so dude isn;t that much older then my dad, but he writes like he's 85 years old, any time one of the daughter characters are mentioned the main character has to reminisce about how great it was when they were little and he was their greatest hero, andhow innocent their smile looks, reminding him of when they were little. Calling college students 'kids', which i get i guess? but these 'kids' are the next generation and are voting? Like they are legally adults? treat them like such and not just a gaggle of interesting children bumbling around...

Also considering how many of those 'kids' die horribly in the book, it's pretty fucked up not to talk about them like adults for the entire novel. I dunno if Im getting this across very well, but it's like the main character didn't respect them at all until after most of them were dead.

I kind of want to read the next one in the series, kind of not though. I mean, I get it, America is Dead, what will happen to the glorious country now that it's splintered and the chinese forces are on American Soil and Oh God What Will Become Of Us Americans ???

bleh dude, I dont care.You almost alllllmost got to the heart of it in the middle of the book and then lost it again by the end. In the middle it shocked the main character when the news of the president being dead didn't stop everything, but then he realized it didn't make any difference to them really.

And that's the thing, the country or province or state or whatever will keep turning and movign and doing whatever it's going to do. It doesn't change what happens in your town, neighbourhood or house. Not really. The colour of the flags outside the town hall might change but the fundamental beliefs of the people living in that town don't immediately change at the same time..

I need to shower, pick up a grocery order, have a nap, eat ?, and work 530-930. And hopefully somewhere in there take enough meds to knock the pain back enough to function, and also not get to the 'noodle legs' and brain fog of taking too many pain killers...

oh Eldest convince me to buy a little jug of 50,000 water beads. And then proceeded to put them ALL in the giant bowl we have and inflate them all at the same time. So when i got home from grocery pickup yesterday we figured out rules, including the drain plug HAS to be in at all times while the water beads are in the sink, either sink, so make sure they don't go down the drain and plug the sewage system.

Luckily I showed both kids that dumb bastard that filled his bathtub and then just pulled the plug to 'get rid' of them, and he ended up having the beads come up through his toilet, all the sinks in his house, the storm drains outside on the road etc etc and I think eventually he was fined because he posted all this on his instagram so the town or whatever didnt have to look far to find him.

Anyway, just reminding the kids of that made them realize the seriuosness of the situation if ~any~ of those beads go down the drain. So. Good, we're cool then.

Eldest has today to figure out a way to store them, basically get them out of my sink, so that i can use the sink for dishes. and, sink stuff.

And also to recognize a little bit that impulsive decisions/actions have consequences that have to be addressed too, you cant just be like whoops, guess that happened. and then leave it for someone else to clean up..

which logically he knows, he just, ya kniow, is a kid.

The water beads are pretty cool. They have no smell at all (i was expecting.. i dunno, plasticky smell or something) and you can handle them, and stick your hand or whole arm in, and it's just mildly tacky when you pull it out, they dont stick and arent even really slimey. They are SUPER bouncy though, and tough to pick up off the floor because they are that weird slippery,

I figure that's physical science for the duration of homeschooling right there though, there's been lots of "what if I....?" thing done, even sorting out a jar of blue ones and a jar of green ones for ~aesthetic purposes.

Not sure what's going to happen over the long term with the jars, maybe mold?? no idea, but i guess we'll see.

alright so, nap, shower, grocery pickup, work. snack whenever i get hungry, so far ive just been nauseated.



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