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4:35 p.m. - 2020-05-13
and here i'll stay
So in less than an hour from submitting my order, I got everything I ordered delivered to my door.

Fucking hell, that's worth $20 for sure. (Note: $5 delivery fee, $15 tip, because fuck it, if pizza guys get 15%, dude delivering my groceries deserves at least that)

I mean, worth it now. Back when I wasn't working, thinking about this was a dream luxury item, even paying the $5 for grocery pick up at that time was hard...

Anyway, some day I will quit comparing everything currently happening to the waste land of shame and despair that was when I was sickest. But I can't seem to reach that day just yet.

I think it's because I'm fearing being kicked back down to that place at any moment. That someone from housing will send me a letter and be like "oops we made a mistake, you owe the city $10,000 in back rent and also you're evicted as of yesterday."

and now, as I enjoy my coffee im going to do some math to figure out approx how much I would owe the city if that happened....

oh fuck i was way off in that estimation. I would owe them approx $22,800 in back rent, if they decided to ~reassess~ my circumstances.

But I think that is really unlikely and I'm catastrophizing, catastrophying, whatever that word is.

I dunno, I've relied on preparing for the worst and hoping for the best, and it's served me pretty well so far. Kind of a hard rut to get out of, when you've been homeless and unemployed, and living in a shelter with your kids telling you they hate you because of where you ended up with them.

Maybe I'm still processing those wild months, of getting sicker and sicker and watching my relationship completely deteriorate in front of my eyes because i didnt have the energy to keep up the roles i was expected to perform in order to keep my ex happy, losing a place to live because without my ex i couldnt afford a place on my own with two kids in this town, going on stress leave because of all that and ending up losing my job entirely because my manager wouldn't help me understand what was happening internally at the office and heavily implying that I should quit or take up the issue with HR in toronto on my own (she will forever be the worst manager and a garbage person, and some day I will erase her from my memory banks entirely, because she is not worth the space in my head),

Yeah I think I am still processing, even though it was three years ago. But it was a crazy six months, and I don't really know how I made it through to get here. I just know I'm here now.



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