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7:17 p.m. - 2020-08-16
do you think dogs lick us because we have bones inside
Brother and his wife are all moved out to new brunswick, both went back to work (from home) on last thursday, ive been getting updates from Dad, because brother cant be bothered to keep his siblings informed, but knows Dad is all alone with only me to rely on, i guess?

Ive almost got Dad convinced to a)stop chasing women and b)retire from the job thats shift work and actively killing him

He doesnt like being alone, and has gone from one relationship to another pretty much my whole life. But it's taken a more desperate turn in the last couple of years, since he's over 60 now and keeps saying how he's only going to live another 6 or so years and needs someone to travel with

He briefly mentioned travelling with me and how he knows we'd have a good time "but it's not the same..." he trailed off

Supposedly he's watched all those hallmark movies but none of them have a father daughter duo? With how awesome a winglady the daughter can be?? Like I'm pretty fcuking sure I could get my Dad a date if we whirled away to Scotland or something

Or maybe I just want to travel so bad it makes my teeth hurt to think about it, i guess because im clamping my jaw shut around those particular dreams, because poverty has squashed almost all of them and covid stomped on more, and Dad's comment pretty much cemented it into a grave.

Who knows tho, maybe if he lives past 65 he will want to do a bunch of things, or at least ride a train across canada or something

It feels weird to not have seen the majority of the country I live in, but with brother on the east coast now i suppose I can look forward to wandering around the ocean out there a little.

I always get this nostalgic kind of fucking hell feeling when my ex calls and talks to youngest. He finally properly gendered Eldest last week, only took him two goddamned years, so now I feel a little safer starting the very first super basic injections of puberty blockers.You just never know what kind of horrible monster is lurking underneath someone you used to love until one of their kids comes out as trans or gay

and honestly he still needs a kick in the balls for the last two years, but whatever he's on the other side of the country, and if he does end up coming back here he will be too miserable to cause any trouble with us

the internet has died completely, grrrrrreat

things are fine, you know, just working and trying to prepare for the coming school year.. as longas i dont think about how i have no friends...

saw K8lyn, but didn't say anything, i cant hug her or even get closer than 6 feet so whats the point really ? Shes got her bubble, like everyone else, and i cant risk being the one that pops everyone's bubbles...

so i just dont, ive retreated back in to my hobbit hole, alone except for the kids and my mom and my dad.

i dont talk to anyone, message anyone, except for C, because otherwise he'd be alone entirely and my company is better then that at least

theres no point ion trying to connect with anyone, when i know i cant actually see them in person, because in person is the only time i can contribute anything

Im still taking my meds, so im on an even keel if i dont think about how alone i am and how alone i fear i will be due to my inability to keep people invested in me..

okay, enough of that. half this fucking diary is about that. Even those times when I was surrounded by people who cared and stuck around for a while, even those times i was still here whining about how a lone i am

guess its cause both of my parents are aging.. rapidly it feels like. both have bad hearts, and mom wont stop smoking despite getting pneumonia every season and dad wont stop giving his emotional heart away to women that just stomp on it

alright im going to fix the internet, and do somethjing other then sit here wallowing

rejection sensitive dysphoria is an absolute bitch



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