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10:57 p.m. - 2021-02-01
Dads a lot better. Hes sleeping more, we talked a lot, he made turkey burgers for supper, we are sort of on the same page now even if he still doesnt believe that this 14 yr old J is not permanent and he saw J at a rough time.

I'm trying to figure out what I want for my bday, and I think I'm getting a plan together. This is just for dad tho, because he asked me what I wanted and I spent the time we talked compromising without realizing I was doing that. Anyway, we picked a day, but I'm going to send him a text tomorrow to ask if we can go to his house instead and if I can bring the switch with us. I think that's a better plan.
I originally said board games. I dunno why, I dont exactly enjoy most board games, and the boys are super not interested.

We talked about the fox. It's something to do with C. So. I'm keeping an ear open. I'll meditate on it. Keep my eyes open for foxes. Fox symbols.

Dad said he wants to meet C, which I knew already. They want to talk to each other. I just dont know how to go about bringing my dad to my friends house when I'm so awkward and not great at being social or keeping conversations going.

Just had the thought of my dad conversing with my other friends and nearly blacked out from anxiety. Look, I want my dad to like my friends, and not think of them as dingbats, but that's the high school part of me trying to be a people pleaser.

Oh btw, apparently my dad talked to my seventh grade teacher because he thought my teacher was a creep. Nah man, I just did what was asked of me, all the time.

And dad still managed to twist that around into me being a brownnoser, aaand now I'm annoyed

I was 12. I didnt sniff my teachers but so hard I got shit on my nose, I just did what I was told. Always. Because I was The good kid.

I was so anxious I didnt want to be singled out, so I did everything I was asked to do.

Dad's not officially retired yet, hes technically on holidays for another week before his retirement starts.

He doesbt seem to understand that lockdown means you dont visit anyone and they dont visit you. He was talking about how no one has visited him the whole month hes been off. It hasnt been a full month yet either.

Blergh. I just wish he wasnt already four drinks in by the time I get there. But also, havent had many great sober visits in the last three months, so maybe it's better he is hammered when I get there.

I have to remember to text him more. Mom too. Bleeeeehhhhh I'm so bad at remembering. Either I do it every day or I forget for three weeks straight.

As is evidenced by the entries in here.

Tomorrow is a day off school. We are still going to catch up with some art and math though. I'm hoping to have all of it completed tomorrow. Then we can be all caught up again, and I'll keep up on homework better now that I know how to tell what is homework on google classrooms.

K, meds and bed time



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